Father’s Day 2011

Father’s Day 2011[1]

It’s, of course, a melancholy day, a stew of emotions strangely muted.  I’m very grateful that I have Alex living with me and through him a physical link to Billy and Edward, but I miss them very much.  Not more today than other days, not really, but perhaps more visibly.

It seems a day for reflections, last night with Julia on my life to date, – where I am, who I am and what I want for the future, and this morning, as I reread Vidal’s Creation, one of my favorite books, a series of images and illusory memories in the twilight between waking and dreaming seem to be trying to tell me something.  If not for temporal consistency with the present, I’d almost think they were recollections from prior lives but maybe I’m just tuned in to Jung’s universal subconscious and receiving emotions of other melancholy souls, perhaps seeking to share perceptions and share comfort.

That suddenly leads me to remember that I’m but a link in one of a seemingly infinite chain of fathers, interlocking and tangling in one way or another with all other chains of fatherhood, and that while one link leads to my children, another links back to my own father, one I knew so little of until fairly recently, and who is facing his own odyssey and exile, although now back in the place where he spent most of his life and planted most of the seeds he now sows.  He must be feeling many of the same things I am, many of the same things most fathers sundered in one way or another from their children feel, and of course, all fathers are someday sundered from their children.

Fatherhood, at least for me, has been life’s most meaningful experience, generating the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows, the greatest satisfaction and the greatest disappointments, but in my case, the sorrows and disappointments are limited to those things I have not been able to provide for my sons, much as I tried, and the joys and satisfaction in seeing them grow into outstanding human beings.  I’m very proud of my three sons!

[1] © Guillermo Calvo Mahé; Manizales, 2011; all rights reserved