There are so many things I write about us, for us, involving us that I never share because, regardless of how honest and beautiful they are, they tend to be counterproductive.
Some I’m glad I never shared, they involve foolish reactions, temper tantrums you’d call them, but they too tell a great deal about how I feel and who I am, a “who” you don’t seem to know or are unwilling to accept although I think you’d love him very much.
As I write this I wonder whether it too will just be filed away or destroyed, but I think not.
I don’t know what will happen with us, it’s mainly in your hands and your pride is probably too strong to admit if you’ve been wrong or to let me know if you’ve changed your mind or when the time is finally right, and I’m weary of seeming so foolishly in love with you, … although I am. We had an important talk a few days ago while you did laundry; that part of my apartment is sacred to me because of you, but I’m not certain you understood that our decisions about everything are very much yours to make although underlying realities and context won’t change, and that I treasure you more than you can know.
There are so many things I write about us, for us, involving us, wondering about our past and our present and our future, but so few answers ever appear, and answers are what I so much need, although answers come in too many flavors, some of which, perhaps most of which, I’d not care for at all. So I abide between Limbo and Purgatory looking down at Hell and up at Heaven, sometimes grateful that I’m not a believer but at times pining for the solace that might bring, and as always, thinking of you, and thinking of us and thinking of me, and wondering.
Thoughts on a warm winter day, high in the central range of the Colombian Andes, gazing out of windows in an apartment in a city in the sky. As always, thinking about you and about us and about me.
© Guillermo Calvo Mahé; Manizales, 2019; all rights reserved. Please feel free to share with appropriate attribution.
Guillermo Calvo Mahé (a sometime poet) is a writer, political commentator and academic currently residing in the Republic of Colombia although he has primarily lived in the United States of America (of which he is a citizen). Until recently he chaired the political science, government and international relations programs at the Universidad Autónoma de Manizales. He has academic degrees in political science (the Citadel), law (St. John’s University), international legal studies (New York University) and translation and linguistic studies (the University of Florida’s Center for Latin American Studies). He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org and much of his writing is available through his blog at http://www.guillermocalvo.com.