Reflections as the New Year Dawns, 2013
2013 dawns beautifully in Colombia’s central Andes. I slept fitfully with strange dreams I don’t recall other than a message that I should write as soon as I awoke, write something specific but I can’t recall just what.
Last night I shared old year good-byes and new year’s greetings with three wonderful people, women with whom I’m in various stages of personal relationships but all frustrating and incomplete: one embryonic, one out of phase and one that refuses to fade away. I want just one that’s complete, fulfilling and honest, but I don’t think I’ve found that one yet, or if I have, that fate will permit it to bloom although it’s certainly blossomed. Time, age and distance don’t seem to be on my side, at least not yet.
Perhaps this will be the year for fulfillment and it’s not just some flaw in me that prevents it from occurring. Perhaps what I want physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually will finally coincide in time and space with whom I find or with who finds me.
My second son chides my naiveté in seeking transition from amorous to friendly standing with former lovers, in my belief that I can and should salvage some vestige of affection and continuing contact, but that seems right to me. I so regret all those who’ve shared my life and then I just let go; … where it seems as though they’d passed away. Perhaps some have, I’ve no way to know, … now that their gone.
I’ve suffered quite a bit of pain but fear I may have caused much more and that’s something I desperately want to avoid. I’ve matured beyond focusing on my personal gratification, understanding that I can’t be in the way of the aspirations of those with whom I’m emotionally involved. I can’t be an impediment to their fulfillment, even if that means I have to help to set them free, but my heart is not always cooperative in doing so.
As I have so often in the past, I wonder what this new year has in store for me, how different I’ll feel as next year dawns. I hope that I’ll have few regrets and that those won’t be important, that I’ll finally find long sought security, and perhaps, that I won’t be alone. That looking in the mirror I’ll like, appreciate and respect the person I’ll see.
And that turning around, find someone with me I’ll adore.
© Guillermo Calvo Mahé; Manizales, 2012; all rights reserved